i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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