KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize