you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
