apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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