I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
