he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize