I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
