my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
