I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
