apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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