You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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