All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
