i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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