Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
