she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
