i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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