I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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