Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He did a backflip because drugs
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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