After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
