none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
