i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
