So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
