so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
