My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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