Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize