I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
