Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
