The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
