Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
