my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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