census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
