I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
