I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize