I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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