Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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