I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
