the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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