My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
