He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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