every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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