Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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