I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
