i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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