Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
