I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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