the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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