Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
