Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
