You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
