Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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