I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
