You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
