The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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