I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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