Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Still dying that you shit outside
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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