Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
