your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
