I wish I could punch you in the face.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
