put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I forgot wine drunk hurts
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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